I'll be honest: I've been struggling lately. I'm putting a ton of pressure on myself at my internship to be perfect, which I know is unreasonable because it's an internship and everyone I'm working with there has made it clear that it's supposed to be a learning experience and I'm allowed to make mistakes, but I'm always harder on myself than anyone else could possibly be because that's how I've always been. Seeing all the #metoo things have also been hard, even if it's been kind of affirming in a weird way to know I'm not alone in my experiences, but it's also been bringing up hard, old feelings of wondering whether my experiences are valid enough and reflecting on how much they have changed me and how I see myself.
So, it's been hard to see the positive in things. Most days I feel like my main accomplishment is getting myself to go to work and be a functional, useful person there or not breaking down in general. I wanted to write this post to remind myself that there are positive things happening for myself, and maybe to remind other people that positive things in life don't have to be major, life-changing events, but can also be little, simple things.
1. Playing violin. This, other than singing loudly in the car and at home, is honestly what's making me the happiest right now other than my boyfriend. I took up playing violin again recently after a 10 year break, and even though I'm somewhat terrible, I'm playing it simply because it brings me joy. All I have to feel when I'm playing is the joy it brings me, and I don't have to think about how good I am or compare myself to others or even my own skill level when I last stopped playing. It's the one thing in my life I feel I can do with zero pressure and pure joy, and I'm so glad my mom had it fixed for me because it's really helping me.
2. My boyfriend. My boyfriend is basically Jack from this is us, minus the drinking problems and mysterious death and jealousy issues. He is so, so, SO supportive of me and never loses patience even when I hash out the same issues with him again and again, and always has my back. Knowing that he's proud of me and thinks I'm doing a lot is so comforting, even if I can't always believe it, because his opinion and affirmations mean the world to me. He means the world to me, and having his love and support is exactly what I need right now.
3. Exercising. I've been either going to the gym to read on the stationary bike or trying to get 10,000 steps per day, and each time I do one of those things, I feel very accomplished and like I'm gaining some sense of control back over my body, which is one of the things I feel like I lost as a result of my #metoo experiences. I love checking off "worked out" on my self-care chart and feel a huge sense of accomplishment when I do it because I used to hate working out and couldn't force myself even to take a walk, so it feels like a big deal to me.
4. Reading. I finally broke my 3-star reading streak and have been reading some great YA books and continuing to read great poetry. I finished my Goodreads challenge, which earlier in the year I switched from 75 books to 50, but now I'm hoping I can at least get to 70 before the end of the year. Reading has always been a major release for me, and it continues to do that.
5. Fun, little things at my internship. Even though it's been a major source of emotional stress, there are a lot of things about the internship at the library that I enjoy. Every book I've recommended we buy to the teen librarian has gone into the book cart, so I'm contributing a lot to collection development with my vast YA knowledge, which makes me feel very proud of myself and my knowledge of the materials. I also had a lot of fun with the director, the teen librarian, and the head of the children's department making a very creepy scarecrow of Where's Waldo for the town scarecrow contest. Who knew community engagement could be so...creepy?
6. My retail job. Of course there are things I don't like about it, such as not having a set schedule because that makes me anxious, but overall, I've been surprised by how much I genuinely enjoy working in retail. It's not what I want to do long-term, but it's another place where I don't feel as much pressure to be perfect because it's not my career, which in turn actually allows me to perform better because I'm not scared to try new things and fail. I genuinely like helping people feel good about themselves through clothes, and I love the clothes I have to sell, which helps, and the clients are mainly older women, who I tend to get along great with because I am an old soul at heart. It's very easy to be nice to people and help them when you understand their reasons for shopping at a place, and very gratifying to see them leaving feeling good and excited about things you helped them find.
7. My babies. By which I mean my cats, because ew, I do not want my own babies. I just want to read to other people's babies and teach parents about early literacy, then hand the cute babies back to them at the end of the program, please. But the cats are always helpful and adorable and bring me so much happiness, even when Jaeda climbs on my computer while I'm trying to blog or do school work or watch Netflix. Cat cuddles are so comforting and lovely, and I will be very sad when I move out and can't afford to have cats for a while.
What are some things that make you happy during tough emotional times?
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