Worst Book Hangover Ever // This Darkness Mine

Title: This Darkness Mine

Author: Mindy McGinnis

Publishing date: October 10, 2017

Pages: 352

Sasha Stone knows her place—first-chair clarinet, top of her class, and at the side of her oxford-wearing boyfriend. She’s worked her entire life to ensure that her path to Oberlin Conservatory as a star musician is perfectly paved. 

But suddenly there’s a fork in the road, in the shape of Isaac Harver. Her body shifts toward him when he walks by, her skin misses his touch even though she’s never known it, and she relishes the smell of him—smoke, beer, and trouble—all the things she’s avoided to get where she is. Even worse, every time he’s near Sasha, her heart stops, literally. Why does he know her so well—too well—and she doesn’t know him at all? 

Sasha discovers that her by-the-book life began by ending another’s: the twin sister she absorbed in the womb. But that doesn’t explain the gaps of missing time in her practice schedule or the memories she has of things she certainly never did with Isaac. As Sasha loses her much-cherished control, her life—and heart—become more entangled with Isaac. Armed with the knowledge that her heart might not be hers alone, Sasha must decide what she’s willing to do—and who she’s willing to hurt—to take it back.

Most of the time, when book bloggers finish a book, they write a review, either preceding or followed by throwing the book at the wall, crying, hugging it, or whatever reaction seems most appropriate given how and how much an author crushed their feels. After reading this book though, I have the most uncomfortable bookish hangover and still have no idea how to form coherent thoughts about it. So, here are some of my incoherent, out of order, messy thoughts about This Darkness Mine:

• That poor boy is going to be scarred for life and never date again and probably join a monastery to escape real life because no therapist is as good as the therapist he will need
• Sasha Stone is actually a terrible person
• But also kind of badass
• This is like a psychological thriller about perfectionism and makes me worry about being a perfectionist and trying to be perfect for everyone all the time
• This book actually made me feel sick to my stomach a bit
• There are some weird consent issues that make me very uncomfortable
• I couldn't put this book down while I was reading it and was excited to pick it up every time I had a moment to read even though it was seriously messed up
• This is actually the most messed up YA book I have ever read. Congrats, Mindy McGinnis. You have done the thing.
• These are terrible parents who really do not have their priorities in order
• Her dad is awful 
• Why in the ARC is Isaac Brooke's brother for the first three chapters and then seems like they're not related for the rest of the book? Did anyone else notice this?
• I needed a little more from the Isaac relationship in order to understand it but there were only a couple times when Sasha remembered what happened with him, so their relationship felt a little out of place even though I kind of shipped it
• This book made me so upset and disturbed
• But I also liked it
• But also problematic because of consent issues
• But also good
• I am going to stop now  

Should you read this book? Yes. Should you recommend it to teens? Maybe, if you want them to throw up in their mouths a little bit and scare the bejeezus out of them. (Basically yes). Will this book screw you up majorly? Heck yes. Is it worth it? Probably.