Sorry for the accidental hiatus...

If anyone actually reads this blog, then you may have noticed I haven't posted for two weeks. This was mainly due to my participation in NaNoWriMo, or National Novel Writing Month, during which I drafted about 27,000 words of Queer Bookish Novel, which I've been meaning to write for quite a while now.

Unfortunately, I had to quit NaNo a couple weeks ago. This was partially because I missed three days due to illness and felt like I couldn't catch up, but also because my novel seems to be wanting to go in a totally different direction than I initially anticipated it would go. Now, I feel like I need to take a couple weeks and let it sit and then come back and actually outline, plan character sketches complete with actual character GOALS, without which, I have discovered, it is pretty difficult to write a story, and come back full force with the writing (maybe not as full force as with NaNo and 1,667 words per day, but at least 1,000 words per day).

I also thought a lot about blogging while I was gone. I love blogging, and have never been able to stay away from it for long because it's been a part of my identity for the past five (almost 6!) years. However, I often get discouraged because I'm not exactly a "successful" blogger. People talk about getting 1K or more views per day, and I'm over here not even getting 50 a day, and I write about the same things other people do, am a better writer even than some bloggers, and have a lot to say about books, just like every book blogger I follow.

I know stats shouldn't matter if I really love blogging, and I do, but sometimes it's hard when I want to be read by a wider audience and reach more people, feel like I'm doing all the right things, and still am getting nowhere. I just keep having these crises where I wonder if it's even worth continuing blogging when I seem to be getting nowhere after so long. I know it's also probably because BookTube is becoming such a popular thing and book blogging is getting a little less popular, and many of the original "celebrity" book bloggers don't blog anymore, but I don't think I'm ever going to be a booktuber because that's just not my thing, and I think book people should be encouraging people to read more of everything, and that includes blogs.

I'm just feeling very discouraged, and sometimes worrying about stats makes it hard for me to want to continue blogging. I'm happy when I get any number of views, even if some of them are from my boyfriend (if you're reading this, HIIIIIIIIII), but I still want more, because I want people to appreciate what I write and put out into the world. If you have any tips for increasing blog traffic, throw them my way, because clearly I could really use them.

Anyway, that's where I've been: writing and worrying about stats and worrying about writing and worrying, worrying, worrying, because that's what I do best. Alas. Here's to hoping for a better next few weeks, I guess.

Things that are making me happy

I'll be honest: I've been struggling lately. I'm putting a ton of pressure on myself at my internship to be perfect, which I know is unreasonable because it's an internship and everyone I'm working with there has made it clear that it's supposed to be a learning experience and I'm allowed to make mistakes, but I'm always harder on myself than anyone else could possibly be because that's how I've always been. Seeing all the #metoo things have also been hard, even if it's been kind of affirming in a weird way to know I'm not alone in my experiences, but it's also been bringing up hard, old feelings of wondering whether my experiences are valid enough and reflecting on how much they have changed me and how I see myself.

So, it's been hard to see the positive in things. Most days I feel like my main accomplishment is getting myself to go to work and be a functional, useful person there or not breaking down in general. I wanted to write this post to remind myself that there are positive things happening for myself, and maybe to remind other people that positive things in life don't have to be major, life-changing events, but can also be little, simple things.

1. Playing violin. This, other than singing loudly in the car and at home, is honestly what's making me the happiest right now other than my boyfriend. I took up playing violin again recently after a 10 year break, and even though I'm somewhat terrible, I'm playing it simply because it brings me joy. All I have to feel when I'm playing is the joy it brings me, and I don't have to think about how good I am or compare myself to others or even my own skill level when I last stopped playing. It's the one thing in my life I feel I can do with zero pressure and pure joy, and I'm so glad my mom had it fixed for me because it's really helping me.

2. My boyfriend. My boyfriend is basically Jack from this is us, minus the drinking problems and mysterious death and jealousy issues. He is so, so, SO supportive of me and never loses patience even when I hash out the same issues with him again and again, and always has my back. Knowing that he's proud of me and thinks I'm doing a lot is so comforting, even if I can't always believe it, because his opinion and affirmations mean the world to me. He means the world to me, and having his love and support is exactly what I need right now.

3. Exercising. I've been either going to the gym to read on the stationary bike or trying to get 10,000 steps per day, and each time I do one of those things, I feel very accomplished and like I'm gaining some sense of control back over my body, which is one of the things I feel like I lost as a result of my #metoo experiences. I love checking off "worked out" on my self-care chart and feel a huge sense of accomplishment when I do it because I used to hate working out and couldn't force myself even to take a walk, so it feels like a big deal to me.

4. Reading. I finally broke my 3-star reading streak and have been reading some great YA books and continuing to read great poetry. I finished my Goodreads challenge, which earlier in the year I switched from 75 books to 50, but now I'm hoping I can at least get to 70 before the end of the year. Reading has always been a major release for me, and it continues to do that.

5. Fun, little things at my internship. Even though it's been a major source of emotional stress, there are a lot of things about the internship at the library that I enjoy. Every book I've recommended we buy to the teen librarian has gone into the book cart, so I'm contributing a lot to collection development with my vast YA knowledge, which makes me feel very proud of myself and my knowledge of the materials. I also had a lot of fun with the director, the teen librarian, and the head of the children's department making a very creepy scarecrow of Where's Waldo for the town scarecrow contest. Who knew community engagement could be so...creepy?

6. My retail job. Of course there are things I don't like about it, such as not having a set schedule because that makes me anxious, but overall, I've been surprised by how much I genuinely enjoy working in retail. It's not what I want to do long-term, but it's another place where I don't feel as much pressure to be perfect because it's not my career, which in turn actually allows me to perform better because I'm not scared to try new things and fail. I genuinely like helping people feel good about themselves through clothes, and I love the clothes I have to sell, which helps, and the clients are mainly older women, who I tend to get along great with because I am an old soul at heart. It's very easy to be nice to people and help them when you understand their reasons for shopping at a place, and very gratifying to see them leaving feeling good and excited about things you helped them find.

7. My babies. By which I mean my cats, because ew, I do not want my own babies. I just want to read to other people's babies and teach parents about early literacy, then hand the cute babies back to them at the end of the program, please. But the cats are always helpful and adorable and bring me so much happiness, even when Jaeda climbs on my computer while I'm trying to blog or do school work or watch Netflix. Cat cuddles are so comforting and lovely, and I will be very sad when I move out and can't afford to have cats for a while.

What are some things that make you happy during tough emotional times?

October Goals

It's October! That means it's finally fall, hopefully with cooler weather than we've been having, Halloween, the release of the second season of Stranger Things, and a ton of new books coming out.

To start out, let's recap my September goals and see how I did:

1. Lose 4 pounds. I did not do this. I have been feeling really overwhelmed by pretty much everything for the past two weeks and this means I have let my healthy eating fall way to the wayside. I'm almost at the weight I want to be for my first mini-goal, but I really need to focus on eating healthfully again this month.

2. Read 5 books. I did this.

3. Submit to some poetry contests. I did not do this because of financial reasons and wanting to save money.

4. Start a library feature on the blog. The first Library Chronicles post went up on Friday!

5. Participate in Bloggiesta. I did this.

6. Write more of Queer Bookish Novel. I wrote once this month in addition to the poetry writing, so I guess I somewhat accomplished this.


Now, here are my goals for October...

1. Be stricter about eating well. I really want to get back to the weight I was at the end of August and surpass it and continue losing more, so I definitely need to get back on track with eating healthfully. I've come across a lot of yummy-sounding healthy recipes so that will probably help. I'm also going to try not to stuff myself when I go out to eat with my boyfriend when I see him in two weeks so I can maintain steady weight loss.

2. Write at least once a week. It can be more poetry for the Poetrygram, more of my novel, or whatever, but I want to set aside a chunk of time to write at least once per week this month.

3. Relax more and work on anxiety coping skills. For the past two weeks, I've basically been an anxious, stressed out, overwhelmed wreck. I've mostly been coping with it by giving into my sugar cravings, which is not good for goal #1, drinking lots of tea, walking, and reading. It hasn't really helped though, and I know I need to get better at calming my anxiety when it overtakes me, especially about work-related things so I don't go into my internship or actual job feeling generally terrified and unable to do things, because I want to be able to put myself out there. I also want to work on just relaxing, which I try to do a lot but hardly ever end up feeling truly relaxed. I want October to be a quieter, calmer month for me with fewer stressful things and unexpected emotion crushers, which I know I can't always control, but I still want it to happen.

4. Go to the gym more regularly. I'd been doing really great at this for a couple months after getting a gym membership, but again, the past couple of weeks have really killed me and I've had a hard time leaving the house for anything other than work or the internship. However, I want to focus on being healthy again and that includes fitness, so back to the gym it is.

5. Participate in Dewey's 24-hour Read-a-Thon. I love doing read-a-thons, and this 24 hour one is one I've been doing for the past couple years. I'll probably be working for at least 4 hours on the day of the event, which takes place on October 21, but I'll try to read as much as I can in my remaining 20 hours and try to stay up for the whole thing!

6. Read 2 October eARCs and 1 November release. I'm terrible at keeping up with my eARCs and ARCs, so this month I'm shooting for reading a couple October releases I have on my Kindle and getting ahead by reading at least one book releasing in November.

Things I've Done Well This Year

I think in a world where so much bad is happening, it's easy to look at yourself and see only the negative things. As a person with anxiety and depression, it's even easier for me to look at myself and only see the negatives because that's my default, and I worry so much about doing everything right that even the smallest things can make me feel like I'm failing. Since I've had a couple weeks of being really anxious and down on myself, I've decided to write this reflective post about things I've done so far this year that I think I've been doing well, so I can go back and look at it and remind myself that even if the glass is half empty or completely empty, it can always be refilled, and to hopefully inspire other people to reflect on what they've been doing well, too.


1. Reaching out to friends when I need help. This has always been hard for me, because I am a person who feels like she has to do everything herself, otherwise I'm failing or not trying hard enough. For the past few months though, I've been trying to get better at emailing my friends when I'm in a rough patch. I still have a ways to go before actually feeling comfortable doing this, but I've been improving and trying, and that's what counts.

2. Taking control of my health. I've finally been making a real effort to change my diet and eat more healthfully, drink more water, and exercise more. My mom got me a gym membership that I've tried to utilize at least four times per week for half an hour, and I have to admit, I do feel better after I exercise. Plus, if I use the stationary bike, I can do that and read and listen to music while I'm on it, so I even get to have fun while exercising.

4. Doing things that make me feel more "me." I took out my violin after 10 years of not playing and am currently having it refurbished so I can start playing it for fun again. I've been thinking about taking it up again since it was my first instrument because I always feel sad when I hear pretty violin music that I don't play anymore. I'm also trying to play flute more often, since that was one of my majors in college. I also took up blogging again because being a book blogger was part of my identity for so long, and I don't feel complete without it.

5. Doing things that are hard for me. When I started my library internship, there were a lot of things I was afraid I wouldn't be able to do because of my anxiety. However, after just a couple weeks, I already feel much more confident asserting myself and my ideas, asking questions, and participating in library activities. I also went to an open house last week and felt perfectly comfortable talking to people about what's going on at the library, even though I was nervous about it at first. I've also come up with my first program idea, and I've been planning and implementing that, which has increased my confidence in my abilities as well. I'm realizing that things I thought would be hard for me actually aren't, because it's what I really want to do, and I'm working toward a career I truly belong in.

6. Practicing self-care. One of my first posts was about how I track self-care activities in my bullet journal, and doing that has made me much more aware of big ways and small ways to take care of myself. I practice at least 5 self-care activities per day on average, and I think that's pretty good. Sometimes it can be hard to practice being nice to yourself when you're struggling, but I think I've been doing quite well with that all year, even when things have been really difficult.

September Goals

It's September! Can you believe it's September? I can't believe it's September. Even though September 1st technically isn't fall yet, I consider all of September-November to be fall, which means it's my my favorite season! Time for lots of evening tea times, snuggling under fuzzy blankets with cuddly cats, getting busy with school again, and sweaters. God, I love sweaters. And plaid. Fall = plaid time, and bring me a hot queer girl or cute boy in plaid any day, yes please and thanks.

I've decided to make a list of monthly goals for myself on this blog both for fun purposes and holding myself accountable for the things I want to do. So, welcome to the first monthly goals post at The Cuddly Teapot!

Here are some of my September goals:

1. Lose 4 pounds. I've been doing great with weight loss so far and am almost at my first mini-goal, so I want to continue in that direction and keep exercising at the gym, aiming for 10,000 steps per day, 30+ "active minutes" on FitBit, and eating relatively healthfully.

2. Read 5 books. I was stunned that I managed to read 7 books last month. That's the most I've read in a month all year, and I really want to keep that trajectory going. The first book on my September list? They Both Die at the End by Adam Silvera!

3. Submit to some poetry contests. I've been loving writing poems for my poetry Instagram, bluepenpoems, and I want to encourage myself to write more by submitting things to a few contests, where I could maybe even earn some money and get published if I win!

4. Start a library feature on the blog. I really want to share my journey and thoughts concerning librarianship somewhere, and this blog seems like a great place to do it. I'm planning to start a feature called "The Library Chronicles," where I talk about what I'm doing at my internship, how school is going, and respond to various happenings in the library world.

5. Participate in the mini-Fall Bloggiesta from September 21-24. I want to make this blog look more professional, add an About Me page, solidify my brand and my topics of post, etc. I also want to write some mini-reviews of the books I read last month, and Bloggiesta is always a great time to accomplish blog-ish goals and tasks.

6. Write more of Queer Bookish Novel. I've been distracted by poetry lately and scared of getting back to this book because it's emotionally intense for me, but I really want to write at least some of this novel. I really like the direction it's heading in so far, but the challenge for me is just to get a draft on paper and not worry about it being super perfect. That's what revising is for!

How I Practice Self-Care

"Self-care" has definitely become a kind of buzz word (or words, I guess) for (admittedly probably privileged) millenials, but as a person with anxiety and depression, it's something I take very seriously. I started bullet journaling last year and was super inspired by people's habit trackers, and decided to make a self-care tracker for myself both as a way to motivate myself to do some easy self-care tasks and to see how well I take care of myself on a regular basis.

Self-care doesn't have to be big things or things that cost money like a massage or a face mask or anything like that. I have a variety of levels of self-care on my self-care charts, from easy things like making my bed, accomplishing my daily tasks, and doing my makeup to things I do less often like treating myself to something nice, though on some days I even count things like watching Netflix as treating myself. I think it is really important for people to practice self-care in our society that's encourages constant busy-ness and stress, but I definitely understand that when you're struggling to get by day to day or living paycheck to paycheck that self-care can fall to the wayside.

I sometimes alternate what goes on my self-care chart depending on things I start doing more or less often. For example, I used to have "drank tea" on my self-care charts in the winter, but in the summer months I've added an "other" row for things that include drinking tea, but also other little things like going to therapy, taking a nap when I need one, or other miscellaneous self-care tasks. 

I even think filling in my self-care chart itself is a self-care activity, because it's gratifying to see that I've done nice things for myself throughout the day. Plus, using pretty colors to fill in the squares on my chart make it look pretty, too, which makes it very visually satisfying. 

I also recently discovered a habit tracker on Pinterest called "year in pixels" that tracks your daily moods. The one I saw was just a mood tracker, but I decided to add it to my self-care chart to make things more compact and easier to keep track of. When I first started the mood tracker, I was still in the throws of anxiety and depression, so I only had good days, pretty good days, okay days, bad days, anxiety, and depression listed in my color key, but as I've recovered, I've added more nuanced emotions as well:

I think tracking one's mood is also a really good way to watch out for warning signs of mental health issues. If there are a lot of days in a two week or month-long span that are anxious or depressed days, that might mean there's something to be concerned about. Tracking my mood like this has also been extremely useful in showing me how I've been recovering, as I rarely fill in my Year in Pixels boxes with "anxiety" or "depression" colors anymore. 

Keeping track of my self-care habits has shown me that there are lots of ways for a person to practice self-care, and some don't even require that much effort or money, which is especially good for me since I'm still on the job hunt. Self-care can be fun or it can be boring, but even the boring things like making your bed can make you feel like you've done something useful, and keeping track of that is a good way to acknowledge little successes every day.