Sorry for the accidental hiatus...

If anyone actually reads this blog, then you may have noticed I haven't posted for two weeks. This was mainly due to my participation in NaNoWriMo, or National Novel Writing Month, during which I drafted about 27,000 words of Queer Bookish Novel, which I've been meaning to write for quite a while now.

Unfortunately, I had to quit NaNo a couple weeks ago. This was partially because I missed three days due to illness and felt like I couldn't catch up, but also because my novel seems to be wanting to go in a totally different direction than I initially anticipated it would go. Now, I feel like I need to take a couple weeks and let it sit and then come back and actually outline, plan character sketches complete with actual character GOALS, without which, I have discovered, it is pretty difficult to write a story, and come back full force with the writing (maybe not as full force as with NaNo and 1,667 words per day, but at least 1,000 words per day).

I also thought a lot about blogging while I was gone. I love blogging, and have never been able to stay away from it for long because it's been a part of my identity for the past five (almost 6!) years. However, I often get discouraged because I'm not exactly a "successful" blogger. People talk about getting 1K or more views per day, and I'm over here not even getting 50 a day, and I write about the same things other people do, am a better writer even than some bloggers, and have a lot to say about books, just like every book blogger I follow.

I know stats shouldn't matter if I really love blogging, and I do, but sometimes it's hard when I want to be read by a wider audience and reach more people, feel like I'm doing all the right things, and still am getting nowhere. I just keep having these crises where I wonder if it's even worth continuing blogging when I seem to be getting nowhere after so long. I know it's also probably because BookTube is becoming such a popular thing and book blogging is getting a little less popular, and many of the original "celebrity" book bloggers don't blog anymore, but I don't think I'm ever going to be a booktuber because that's just not my thing, and I think book people should be encouraging people to read more of everything, and that includes blogs.

I'm just feeling very discouraged, and sometimes worrying about stats makes it hard for me to want to continue blogging. I'm happy when I get any number of views, even if some of them are from my boyfriend (if you're reading this, HIIIIIIIIII), but I still want more, because I want people to appreciate what I write and put out into the world. If you have any tips for increasing blog traffic, throw them my way, because clearly I could really use them.

Anyway, that's where I've been: writing and worrying about stats and worrying about writing and worrying, worrying, worrying, because that's what I do best. Alas. Here's to hoping for a better next few weeks, I guess.

Weekly Rewind 11/5-11/12

It's the second week of November and...I haven't finished a book yet. I've been reading and LOVING The November Girl for the past couple weeks, but since starting NaNoWriMo, my reading has fallen way to the wayside. However, I am over my 50-book goal for the year, so that's something. I really wanted to make it to my original goal of 75, but with all the writing for NaNo, that's probably not going to happen.

Speaking of National Novel Writing Month, I am almost at the 20,000 word mark and I am very proud of myself. I've written every day except one day last week when I was sick, but hopefully I can make that up. I also have the goal of writing 10,000 words in one day at some point during the month, but I think my biggest word count for a single day is less than half of that, so we'll see how that goal turns out.

Most of what I've been posting on the blog has been NaNoWriMo-related, too. Here's what I've written on the topic so far in the past week:

- Parts one & two of Paper Fury's Beautiful Books feature about NaNo goals, characters, aesthetics, etc.
- A post on things I'm learning about my writing self while participating in NaNoWriMo

I also posted...

- A list of priority reads for November (definitely not getting through all of these what with all the writing, unfortunately)
- The stages of disappointment I went through while reading Lauren Oliver's Replica (still unsure if I'll read my eARC of Ringer or not)

Okay, I've fulfilled my obligation to summarize my blogging week; back to the writing!

Things I am Learning while Doing NaNoWriMo

Something weird is happening this month, people. I decided to do NaNoWriMo and...I'm actually doing it. As of the writing of this post, I have a little over 14,000 words and have written every single day of the month so far. This is unprecedented and has never happened, because usually I quit after about two days because I feel like 1,667 words per day is too daunting a task and I feel like I'm going to fail anyway. Apparently that is not happening this year, because this year I am kicking anxiety's butt and am a BOSS.

I am learning a lot through this process. For instance, I am finding having a deadline very useful. Without a deadline, I feel less motivated to write every day. I am also finding it very useful to have an excuse to go balls out on writing and just write whatever words come to mind simply to get the word count and get the story down. Since I'm focusing on just the word count and getting a first draft done, I'm not worrying about everything coming out perfectly the first time or going back and editing as I write; I'm just getting things done.

This method may not work for everyone, but for me, this mode of speed writing is incredibly useful and motivational for just getting something down. In a post at a different time, I will write about how I plan to do editing and revising for this first draft I plan to finish (with Scrivener!!), but for now, I'm just getting everything out of me and onto the page, and it's great.

I don't have a lot of places or outlets in my life where I feel like I can just do or be and not have to be perfect at the doing or being. Writing, however, at least in this speedy, NaNo-style, is definitely turning out to be one of those places. If the first draft is terrible, who cares? It's a first draft, which means I can fix it and be hard on myself later. For now, I can just get all the ideas out for the sake of having a draft and a story and meeting a certain word count.

I'm also relearning how much I love writing. I did Camp NaNo a couple years ago and met my goal, but stopped writing shortly after, largely because the story wasn't working, but also because once I got out of the habit of writing every day, I forgot that I was writing because I simply enjoyed it. I started dreading it and being scared of it again, which I hadn't been when I was just writing to get reach a goal and get a draft on paper, because I just made myself do it.

When I finish a writing session, even if I don't feel great about what I put down, I always feel satisfied and fulfilled in other ways. Writing makes me feel like I'm doing something I should be doing; like I'm doing something that makes me genuinely happy. NaNo is reminding me that I love writing, and that I want to be a writer still, and that I should do it as much as possible so I can be happier more often.

The Stages of Disappointment in the New Book of A Favorite Author: As Told Through a REPLICA Review

I'll admit it: though I say Lauren Oliver is a favorite author, the more I think about it, I have had a somewhat rocky relationship with her books. I like Delirium okay, but wasn't blown away by it. I really fell in love with that series with book two, Pandemonium, and by Requiem, book three, I was a total Lauren Oliver fan. Then, Panic came out, and really the only thing I liked about it was the tigers. I still haven't read Before I Fall, any of the MG books she's written, Rooms, or Vanishing Girls, which I've had on my Kindle since it came out. Still, I loved the Delirium books on the whole so much that I count her as a favorite author.

As you can imagine, I was very excited with she came out with her new series, Replica, last year, but I was in a reading slump for a good portion of that year, so I didn't get around to reading it until last month. Replica has been super hyped because of its format: it's dual POV, but you can read it in a variety of ways. You can read Lyra's story first, then Gemma's, or Gemma's, then Lyra's, or alternate chapters and flip the book upside down every other chapter. It's about clones, basically, and the idea is that different things get revealed through the two stories.

Let me tell you, the format was not all that unique, because you could do that with literally any dual POV book if you really wanted. The POV gimmick was pretty much the only cool thing about this book, because it was depressing AF.

But anyway, onto the stages of reading a disappointing book by a favorite author, as told through my thoughts about Replica:

- Pre-reading: OMG, what if this isn't as good as XYZ previous book
- also pre-reading: OMG, new book by XYZ author, can't wait
- while reading: surprise, I actually like both POVs and don't like one more than the other
- actually, I don't like one more than the other because neither is very interesting
- the writing is very simplistic and juvenile compared to her other books, but she's a favorite, so maybe it will get better
- writing does not get better
- story gets really depressing, consider DNFing
- but wait, it's a favorite author, so I have to give it a chance
- almost done with the book, still debating DNFing, but okay, now I'm almost done and have to finish it
- upon finishing: I kind of want to know what happens, but do I really want to go through a mediocre book again?
- But it's Lauren Oliver, so maybe Ringer will be better
- plus I have it as an eARC, so I don't necessarily have to buy it
- but it's really depressing
- but I also kind of want to know what happens
-but it's not very good
- but it's Lauren Oliver
- but but but...

That was basically the thought process I had while reading this book. Overall though, it did not deserve the hype and the gimmick was not that great, in reality. If I did end up reading the sequel, I'd probably try reading it in another format, so I'd just read the story straight through and read them separately. But who knows; maybe I won't read it because it was just very depressing, mediocre, and simplistic in writing in a way that did not make me want to read more.

But we'll see. Maybe I'll read it just because I have the eARC, and it'll probably be quick. Hopefully. Maybe. We'll see. As you can tell, I am having much conflict about this book.

Beautiful Books: NaNoWriMo

Beautiful Books is a feature by Cait of Paper Fury. Over the weekend, I answered part two of the questions on our NaNo novels, because I missed part 1, so today I'll be answering the Part 1 questions on NaNo stuff.

1. What inspired you to write your novel, and how long have you had the idea?

I've actually had the idea for quite a few months, and even wrote about 5,000 words of it before I dropped it so I could rewrite those words and finish it during NaNoWriMo. The story is inspired largely by the death of one of my best friends from high school, as well as my love of books. Writing this novel is turning out to be both difficult and cathartic because of the subject matter, and I'm still really worried it is too depressing for YA, but I'm trying to push those thoughts out of my head for now and to just get down a draft.

2. Describe what your novel is about!

- Bisexual and anxiety rep

- Bisexual anxious girl falls for her best friend, but also meets her favorite writer at a bookish convention (think BEA or BookCon) and falls for her, too

- Chocolate mousse tortes

- Dealing with the grief over her friend's suicide

- Dealing with the guilt of feeling like it should have been her who died

- Lots of f/f sexy times

- Book blogging

- Book editing

3. What is your book's aesthetic?

As I was making an aesthetic board on Pinterest, I realized the colors coincide with the colors of the bi pride flag, and I am really quite pleased with this:

4. Introduce us to your characters!

My MC doesn't have a name yet, but she's going to dye her hair blue, is a book blogger, is bisexual, and has anxiety/depression.

My MC's best friend who she falls for is named Beck, and she has black curly hair, plays the cello, and is very outgoing.

The other love interest, the author, is named Rose, has pink hair, has a lot of deeper mental health issues that will be revealed throughout the book, is 19, smokes, and is very spontaneous and adventurous. 

5. How do you prepare to write?

Well, my plan was to outline the whole thing on Halloween, but that did not happen. Mostly I do a lot of thinking and panicking because I don't know what's going to happen. Plus I bake. A lot. Lots of baking.

6. What are you most looking forward to about this novel?

Writing the romance between the best friend and the other romance between the MC and her favorite author. I'm looking forward to having two f/f romances and turning the love triangle trope very bisexual.

7. List 3 things about your novel's setting.

- Is near NYC, but a lot of it will take place in NYC

- Lots of diner happenings

- I don't know a third thing. I have honestly not thought much about the setting.

8. What are your character's goals and what stands in the way?

My MC's main goal is to find something that will bring her hope after her friend dies and her struggles with anxiety and depression get worse. Basically, she is the one who stands in her way, as well as her romance with the author, which will get increasingly toxic as the book goes on.

9. How does your protagonist change by the end of the novel?

She is more confident in herself and her sexuality, and realizes that sometimes just being "okay" is enough.

10. What are your book's themes? How do you want readers to feel when the story is over?

Even though my book will revolve a lot around mental illness and suicide and grief, I want it to be an ultimately hopeful story. Self-worth and building up self-worth and confidence will also be a major theme. Taking care of oneself is also a big part of it, and I really want to show a teen character with a mental illness getting the proper help she needs and taking care of herself.

Priority November Reads

Since I'm doing NaNoWriMo I obviously hope to write at least as much as I read, but I've still got my priorities in order in terms of my TBR list for the month. There aren't a ton of books coming out this late in the year, but what is coming out sounds super good, plus I have books from October and also 2018 to read, so I have some serious reading goals for this month.

Here are some of the eARCs I have that I hope to read in November (currently reading The November Girl as of the writing of this post)

The November Girl - Lydia Kang

Here We Are Now - Jasmine Warga

The Becoming of Noah Shaw - Michelle Hodkin

The Cruel Prince - Holly Black

Turtles All the Way Down - John Green

Whichwood - Tahereh Mafi

Turtles is def a priority since it came out last month, as is Whichwood since I've had an ARC for a few months but have yet to read it. I really want to read The Cruel Prince because I've been excited about it forever, but it's lower on the list because it's a 2018 release, so I have time. I'm super nervous to read Here We Are Now because I loved Warga's first book, My Heart and Other Black Holes, so much, and HWAN has a somewhat low rating on Goodreads.

I'm also debating reading/buying Renegades by Marissa Meyer because I ended up liking the Lunar Chronicles even though I never read Winter (800 pages is too damn long), but at the same time I'm not sure because I don't know if I want to invest in another series. I get terrible series amnesia, plus if I buy the first one that means I have to buy all of them, plus there's the waiting in between time, but I also want to read something new by her in a different world, so I have confusions. 

I'm also nervous about reading the Noah Shaw book because it's been 5 years since I finished the Mara Dyer books and I don't remember what happened other than she went crazy, and I just had really hoped for a new book for Michelle Hodkin for so long, and I am skeptical when authors can't write outside of one world or story. But we shall see.

Beautiful Books: NaNoWriMo Edition

Beautiful Books is a feature for writers by the glorious Cait of Paper Fury, which is clearly the best blog other than mine (haha). This round of beautiful people is focused on NaNoWriMo, or National Novel Writing Month, of which I am a participant writing draft 1 of Bisexual Bookish Novel.

1. Overall, how is your mental state, and how is your novel going?

This is my mental state:

But in reality I think the novel is going well. As of the writing of this post, I have about 8,000 words, which means I've been clocking in at about 2,000 words per day, which is pretty good. However, my mental state is a bit head desk, and I am freaking out internally because HOW AM I GOING TO THINK OF 42,000 MORE WORDS?!?!?!?!?! But also there is excitement because I didn't quit after day two like I usually do.

2. What's your favorite sentence (or paragraph)?

The first one:

"When I get out, the first thing I notice is the sun."

Don't ask me why I like it so much. It's so banal.


3. Who's your current favorite character in your novel?

Probably my MC's love interest, Beck, who is a questioningly bisexual cellist. She is very talkative and worries about the MC a lot and is very happy they are going to the same college together in the fall (as of now).


4. What do you love about your novel so far?

How bookish and bisexual it is. There are going to be 2 female love interests, and the MC is a book blogger, and her mom is an editor for a small publishing company.

5. Have you made any hilarious typos or other mistakes?

Well, my MC has breakfast for four pages in chapter four because there's so much going on in her head, but I'm not as good at the outside stuff in a first draft, so that amused me a lot.

6. What is your favorite to write: beginning, middle, or end--and why?

I think I'll like getting to the middle because it's where the actions will happen and where the goals of my MC will take shape, and where the love triangle will happen and a lot of other fun things I'm planning. And depressing things, because it is a Sad Book.


7. What are your writing habits? Is there a specific snack you eat? Do you listen to music? What time of day do you write best?

- Chocolate chip cookies are my weakness. Also melted chocolate chips that I eat with a spatula. Also copious amounts of tea, but I am running out and need there to be the holiday sale at Teavana so I can buy more
- I love listening to music while I write, which my writer boyfriend totally doesn't understand. I need calm indie music to listen to, a la The Head and the Heart, or, currently, Grizfolk.
- I like to write most at night. Maybe it's because I have a sense of urgency of getting in my words before I sleep, but I always feel like my creative juices get going right after dinner-ish time.


8. How private are you about your novel while you're writing?

Usually I'm very quiet about writing because it makes me feel pressure to have people know about it, but this time I'm writing about it on Facebook, Twitter, and to my boyfriend and my family because I need the extra encouragement. Plus, it's fun to talk to people about writing, even if what you talk about might change in a later draft.


9. What keeps you writing even when it's hard?

This novel is very personal to me, and I feel like it's an important story to share. Also, I feel like writing something so queer is like an act of resistance against the current Trump regime, so that is motivational. Also, my boyfriend is a sweet writing angel who tells me I'm talented and encourages me throughout the whole process, and I love him for it (we met in creative writing class our freshman year of college, so we know each other's writing fairly well).


10. What are your top 3 pieces of writing advice?

OMG, I don't think I'm an experienced enough writer to give advice, but I'll give it a shot:

- have lots of snacks. Snacks, caffeine, and tea are all amazing motivators.
- keep reminding yourself that you're writing because you love it.
- talk to other people about your writing. It'll be fun and motivational to have cheerleaders and people who support you 10000% helping you along during the hard times

Weekly Rewind 10/30-11/4

It's November! It is the time of Thanksgiving prep, including stressing about spending time with your family, of Remember Remember the Fifth of November, and, most importantly, of NaNoWriMo, or National Novel Writing Month, in which thousands of crazy people take part in a challenge to write a novel (50,000 words) in a single. Month. Because we are crazy.

Usually when it gets to be NaNo time, I think about doing it, write for about two days, then quit because it seems like an insurmountable task. This time, it's day five and I'm still going! At the time this post was written, I even had 8,110 words of my (hopefully) glorious bisexual bookish novel done. To be fair, four pages of it were about her having breakfast because I couldn't think of a way to move the plot along, but hey; it's a first draft; they're supposed to be terrible.

This year, I am determined to write all month, even if I don't get to 50,000 words (but I'll secretly feel like a huge failure if I write all month but don't manage to reach 50,000 words). Then, I plan to edit and revise like a crazy person and submit my novel to pitch contests like #PitMad and #PitchMas. So I'd better stop blogging and keep writing the damn novel.

So far though, I've managed to keep up with the blogging alongside the writing, which is totally bananas. Here's what I wrote about on the blog this week:

- I posted my October rewind, where I talked about my favorite and least favorite books of the month and other monthly happenings (Gentleman's Guide and This Darkness Mine and The Hazel Wood were the clear book winners)
- I wrote about things to do as a millenial stuck at home on Halloween (I only did a couple of them while watching reruns of the last season of Top Model)
- I talked about my goals for this season of NaNoWriMo
- I expressed my weird worries about character names (although I think I've found a name for my MC now)

I also tweeted a bunch about NaNo, and even interacted a bit with Cait of Paper Fury, who is my favorite blogger of all time, aside from Jamie of The Perpetual Page Turner. This was very exciting for me, as I am a teeny tiny blogger and Cait is a big huge celebrity blogger and I am also very shy about talking to other bloggers online because I fear I am not worthy of their attention, so this was a big deal to me.

Also, people keep liking my NaNo tweets and following me on Twitter and it's bonkers! I have never interacted with people this much online and it is weird but I like it.

I also started reading The November Girl by Lydia Kang, which I read a very early draft of as an editorial intern for Entangled Teen (I said yes to it, of course), and I'm very excited that it's being published and that it's even more amazing than it was the first time I read it.

How was your week? Are you participating in NaNoWriMo?

I Worry Too Much About Naming Characters

Honestly, I could have just left this post title as "I Worry Too Much" and it still would have been true. But we are not here to talk about my general life worries, like OMG asking people for recommendations is so scary or OMG I hate going into Barnes & Noble now because I'm bombarded by people asking me if I need help and no, no I do not, I am a librarian and probably know way more than you about all of these books anyway. No, we are here to talk about how darn much I worry about naming my characters when I start a new WIP.

I have always been super into names and have been a collector of unique names. When I wrote as a little kid, I would make an index of names in the back of my notebooks to choose from. I even got three baby naming books, which I'm sure the Barnes & Noble people thought was questionable at the time, to help me out eventually, and which I would sometimes look through just for fun because I really, REALLY like names.

For the last novel I tried writing, the names came to me right away. I knew I wanted my characters to be named Molly, Jack, and Aaron. Those were probably the most normal names I have ever used on characters. I am definitely a victim of using super weird names in YA, but it's okay because it's YA and everyone uses unusual names pretty much.

For this WIP I'm working on for NaNoWriMo, however, I am having a lot of trouble coming up with names. My MC has gone through about three names in earlier drafts of my first 5,000 words, and she still doesn't have a name. For this draft, I'm just calling her MC for now and plan to change it later on when I revise.

But why do I worry so much about names? First of all, as I've already said, I simply like them and think they're super fun. But also, when I'm conceptualizing a story concept, the whole story can change based on what the MC's name is. I feel like the name can tell you so much about not just the character, but the vibe of the story and what kind of choices the character will make. Maybe I'm a lone wolf in thinking this; maybe most authors are like "it's just their name." But for me, the name is a critical component of my character development process.

So, I'm super interested in seeing how my character development changes or improves or evolves without starting out with a name and just calling my anxious bisexual main character "MC" for the whole first draft. Maybe it won't make a difference, or maybe I'll realize I put too much emphasis on the name for character development when I should have been focusing on deeper things. Maybe it'll be hard for me to come up with personality traits or quirks without having a name.

I guess we'll have to see, and I'll have to pick the perfect name at a later date.

NaNoWriMo 2017 Goals

Here's what usually happens during NaNoWriMo, or National Novel Writing Month, which takes place during the month of November: I decide to do it, write for a couple days, fall behind in my word count daily goals, realize I can't possibly get 50,000 words in one month, freak out because I have an extreme fear and anxiety around failure, and quit to avoid said failure and also because I am still a little afraid of writing what I really want to write.

That is not what is going to happen this year, because I have a great cheerleader in my boyfriend, and I have new goals that are going to make this month of writing more manageable and doable:


1. Write for a couple hours every day. If I set a time goal rather than a word count goal, I'm hoping I'll be more inclined to not view my writing sessions as failures.

2. Write more of Queer Bookish Novel. Maybe I won't finish it, but that's not my goal. I just want to get more of a draft on paper.

3. Don't worry about hitting 50,000 words so much. Even though that's the "official" NaNo goal, my own goal is just to write as much as possible.

4. Write even when I don't know what to say. All the writing advice I've been reading about writing during NaNo and writing a first draft says it's okay if your story goes around in circles in your first draft and if things aren't perfect. So, I'll try to remind myself of this as I write, and just try to get something down most days.

5. Outline the poop out of this novel. I feel like I'm probably more of an outliner than a pantser, so I hope to outline most of this novel so I have at least some idea of where the heck it's going if I don't finish.

6. Have fun. I'm going to try my best not to put too much pressure on myself to be perfect, which is hard for me, but I'm going to try to do it because writing is supposed to be a thing I enjoy, and I want to make the most of this month to remind myself I like writing.